Still Holding Out for You
by TwistedAngel101
Summary: A songfic set to SHeDAISY's "Still Holding Out for You" in Alex's POV. It begins the night of her husband's shooting and shows how she deals with it.


**Disclaimer: **I own nothing but the fic idea bunnies. _Law & Order: CI _and it's characters belong to Dick Wolf, USA Network and NBC Universal, this story is merely for entertainment purposes and not profit. The lyrics are also not mine and can be found on SHeDAISY's 1999 release _The Whole SHeBANG_.

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_Never thought I'd be in this place_

_It's someone else's life I'm living_

_Wish I were living a lie_

_The hardest part is when the bough breaks_

_Falling down and then forgiving_

_You didn't kiss me good-bye_

_I'm choking on the words I didn't get to say_

_And pray I get the chance one day_

The ringing of the bedside phone wakes me from my sleep. I reach out and grab it, placing it to my ear and checking the clock. Four-thirty AM, little early for call -even on a weekend.

"Eames," I answer out of habit.

"Alex . . . . _it's Joe_."

Within seconds, I'm wide awake as my husband's partner tells me which hospital to drive to; all the while avoiding my repeated question of: "_What happened?_" Hanging up the phone, I drop it onto the bed. Changing into a pair of jeans and a gray sweater I head out the front door purse in hand.

The roads despite the early hour, are still somewhat active as I drive into the city. A million different things running through my mind; the most prominent being: 'Please God, don't take him from me. _Please._' I beg silently, as our fight from earlier that morning replays in my head. It seems so trivial and stupid now. Yet in the heat of the moment, Joe walked out the door to work without giving me a kiss good-bye.

All I can do now is pray he's okay and that I get to tell him, "I'm sorry, you were right Joe. I love you, now let's go home."

_Chorus:_

_I still run, I still swing open the door_

_I still think, you'll be there like before_

_Doesn't everybody out there know to never come around_

_Some things a heart won't listen to_

_I'm still holding out for you_

I run down the hall to the ER waiting room the receptionist had directed me to when I first came in. I can already make out Joe's partner sitting hunched over in a chair. My heart skips a beat as my mind screams, '_Oh please God, no_. Don't do this to me.'

Kevin's head snaps up so fast, I wonder if I've said my plea aloud. But when his dark eyes meet mine, I feel my world spin and collapse around me as my eyes tear up. "_No_ . . . no, no, no. . . oh God, no!" I hear myself say -in a voice I don't even recognize as my own.

A second later, I feel cool linoleum against my jean clad knees and realize I've slid to the floor. I wrap my arms around myself . . . as sobs overtake my body; my mind barely registering what's going on around me. Meanwhile Joe's captain, whom I had failed to notice before comes over to comfort me.

All I can think of in that moment is I'm a _widow_ at 31 -that my husband is _dead_.

_I can hear you smile in the dark_

_I can even feel you breathing_

_But daylight chases the ghosts_

_I see your coat and I fall apart_

_To those hints of you I'm clinging_

_Now's when I need them most_

_I should get up, dry my eyes and move ahead_

_At least that's what you would have said_

_(Repeat Chorus)_

In a blur, I somehow make it through the funeral without causing a scene. And now sit alone in the house we'd bought only a short time ago -when we had first begun talking about starting a family.

My parents still don't think I should be left alone. And repeatedly suggested that I stay with them if only for a "little while." When really, all I want to do _is_ be left alone.

Kicking off my shoes at the door, I walk through the silent house to our bedroom. Blinking back the tears I feel sting my eyes, as I see one of Joe's leather jacket's in the closet, then grab it and slide it on. Even though _I know_ it's at least two sizes _too big_ and climb into bed.

Closing my eyes . . . I can still picture his smile in my mind and feel his breath on my skin. Taking comfort in the fact that if nothing else, I still have the memories of our marriage together. Hours later, when I finally begin to drift off with dried tears on my cheeks, I swear I can hear him whispering in my ear.

"I love you Lexi, I always will. But don't let me hold you back, there's nothing you could've done."

_Bridge:_

_Faithfully, I trace your name while you sleep_

_It's the only true comfort I feel_

_I still run, I still swing open the door_

_I still think you'll be there like before_

Seconds turn to minutes . . . minutes to hours. . . . hours into days and days into months.

Slowly but surely, I'm beginning to heal with the help of our families. Taking it one day at a time . . . though not completely back to who I was "before."

I don't know if I ever will be.

Some nights, when things get to be too much -or a case hits a little too close to home. I trace Joe's name on "his side" of the bed, or slip on one of his old shirts. Finding some semi-balance of comfort in them -like he were still here with me, if only for a little while.

'I miss you Baby.'

_(Repeat Chorus)_

_Holding out_

_Holding out for you_

Fin

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**A/N:** This is my first fic on , I hope you liked it. If so click the review button and tell me :)


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